


it's such a sick obsession

by bvnnyboo



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Jealousy, M/M, Romance, mo is CONFUSED, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 01:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13423374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bvnnyboo/pseuds/bvnnyboo
Summary: mo guan shan's never been the jealous type. frankly, jealousy has always been a mystery to him. he's never cared enough for it, no regard for possession when most things are temporary anyway.so he doesn't understand the pang in his chest when catches the looks he tian sends jian yi when he isn't looking.





	it's such a sick obsession

mo guan shan's never been the jealous type. frankly, jealousy has always been a mystery to him. he's never cared enough for it, no regard for possession when most things are temporary anyway. so he doesn't understand the pang in his chest when catches the looks he tian sends jian yi when he isn't looking. it confuses him and he wants it to stop. his heart pounds erratically when they're alone together but his chest burns when he tian pulls him in on some stupid shit with jian yi and zheng xi (is that his name?). it's not like he likes he tian or anything, he just wants to know the point of he tian pulling him away from other people only to bring him to new people. simple as that.

he gets really agitated when they've just finished up a game of basketball and he tian practically abandons him to go sit by the pair. he doesn't care, he just wants to know the point of dragging him out of his apartment to go sit and play tea party with that duo of fucks. he leaves quickly and unnoticed, its the only way he's ever learned how to cope with situations like that.

he tian texts him too, asking where he's gone. mo guan shan doesn't answer out of shame and shuts off his phone. he doesn't get much sleep either when he rolls away from his night stand.

mo guan shan is late to school the next day too, which he thinks is some kind of twisted miracle. class drags on as slowly as usual and mo guan shan stares through the window the entire time. he isn't sure why his leg is bouncing, or why he's so nervous.

when class lets out, he tian is standing at the door with a blank expression. mo guan shan bites his lip and shuffles to the entrance, not meeting his gaze. they walk in silence, he tian letting mo guan shan lead the way. he isn't sure where he's going, considering his next class is the other way. he tian after being weirdly quiet for so long, moves forward to block mo guan shan's field of vision.

"why are you angry with me?" he tian asks him, hands deep in his pocket and hazel eyes piercing through mo guan shan's skull. mo guan shan quickly look away and tries to maneuver around him. his heart pounding and he feels so fucking weird. he tian holds steady, blocking every move with some kind of foresight.

"i'm not mad at you." guan shan finally gives up, throwing his hands down by his sides. he tian has on black v-neck and mo guan shan feels he might just die.

"...then you're acting strangely for what reason?" he tian pushes further, looming over guan shan with his tall frame. mo guan shan's hands shoot up defensively against he tian's chest.

fuck, he thinks. fuck, fuck, FUUUCCCKKK.

"i'm not acting strangely." he says through gritted teeth and feels he tian push against his hands. 

"mo guan shan." he tian says, voice dripping with dominance and assertion. he tian stands straight up, looking mo guan shan directly in his eyes. mo guan shan lowers his hands in defeat and prays for some kind of miracle to get him out of this situation.

his heart is thumping in his chest, he shoves his fist into his the pockets of his pants to stop them from trembling or prevent he tian from seeing them, and he still can't look he tian in the eyes. mo guan shan becomes suddenly aware of how close they are to each other. he feels like he might explode or cry, he isn't sure.

they're moving now, mo guan shan is stumbling and he tian is too, too close. when mo guan shan pushes against he tian's chest, his back hits a wall and he tian's nose is practically brushing against his.

"why are you angry with me?" he tian presses again, face colored with persistence.

"i'm not mad— "

"i hate when you lie to me."

he tian seems to move even closer then mo guan shan thought was possible. he wishes he could shrink or something, just slip away before he does something stupid, like kiss him.

"redhead!" he hears a voice call out, mo guan shan thinks it's an angel. he tian looks up and mo guan shan subtly pushes him away. he hears a deep sigh from above him and he tian pulls away.

"jian yi." he tian groans out, moving his hands back into his pockets.

"have you seen zhan xixi?" jian yi asks once he gets closer and he tian moves toward him, throwing an arm around his shoulder.

mo guan shan moves away and quietly leaves. when he returns to class, his heart is still pounding because he liked what happened back there and he wanted he tian to kiss him. mo guan shan realizes he has entered a very dangerous territory.

xXx

mo guan shan has now realized that not only does he want he tian to kiss him, he wants him to throw him on a bed and make him forget his name. it's like everything he tian does is dripped in provocation. he doesn't know when this started, but he knows he wants it to stop immediately. he tian just won't leave him alone.

it's like a dream come true almost, he tian walks him home and to class, eats lunch with him, constantly has his arm thrown around mo guan shan's square shoulders. he tian makes his heart melt when he leans over and whispers words into mo guan shan's ear, words saved just for him. he'll never admit it though, but when he's home alone in his room, all he can feel is his heart fluttering in his rib cage and all he can see is he tian. it's kind of driving him insane.

when it's just the two of them, mo guan shan feels like he knows he tian and he feels okay with the flame he has for he tian. sometimes he thinks he tian feels the same.

and then mo guan shan feels a pang of jealousy stab him in the chest every time he sees jian yi. he doesn't hate him whatsoever, he just hates how he thinks jian yi makes he tian feel and he hates how he feels he could be left behind again. it's what he's used to, and he's started to convince himself that he doesn't have to feel like people are only talking to him because they're using him.

they've all gone to he tian's house again, the atmosphere is thick with familiarity. something mo guan shan only feels for his mother, so he busies himself in the kitchen. he scrubs away at the dishes so long his hands begin to prune. it's a coping mechanism and an escape tactic, he realizes. he doesn't hear zhan zheng xi come in until he stands next to him and nudges his arm.

"need help?" zheng xi asks, hands already pushing up his sleeves.

mo guan shan doesn't say anything as he begins handing him dishes to dry. mo guan shan still feels awkward talking to him, he can't stop thinking about the rock he slammed into his skull. he wants to apologize, but he can't find the words. he doesn't even remember why he did it, just that she li asked him to and that was all he knew back then.

after zheng xi and jian yi leave, mo guan shan begins packing his things to exit as well. when he reaches the door, he tian calls out to him.

"you seem off today, did something happen?"

mo guan shan doesn't know how to tell him that he doesn't know how to handle his jealousy in a mature manner, so he grunts instead and twists the knob. he tian materializes behind him and pushes the door close.

"you didn't answer my question." he says, his tall frame casting a shadow over mo guan shan.

"there's nothing to say." mo guan shan replies, not turning his head to look at him, or lifting his hand from the knob.

"why not?"

"because nothing fucking happened, now drop it. i want to go home." mo guan shan grits through his teeth.

"watch your tone with me."

"or what, you'll hit me again?" mo guan shan isn't even hearing what he's saying now.

"what the hell is your problem today?" he tian is aggravated now and removes himself from the door, his eyebrows pressed down in confusion.

"do you like him?"

"do i like who?"

"he tian. do you like him?" mo guan shan's grip on the door is lethal. he shouldn't care but he really does, and he hates that.

"what?"

"goodbye, he tian." mo guan shan yanks the door open and races down the hall to the elevator. he is not going to sleep tonight.

his phone vibrates in the middle of the night, the blue light hypnotizes him for awhile. then it vibrates again and he turns over to finally look at it. it's 4 am, less than 2 hours before he has to wake up and get ready for school. he hasn't slept at all.

2 messages from the same number, he opens his phone and sees that he tian texted him.

'i assume you meant jian yi'

mo guan shan's heart pounds in his rib cage. he texted him at 4 am for this?

'no i don't.'

mo guan shan holds his phone in trembling hands. he feels relieved and aggravated all at the same time. then he sees that he tian is typing again.

'oh, good. you're up.'

he doesn't type anymore and mo guan shan wonders if he stopped typing because he didn't want him to read it yet. and then the phone starts ringing.

what the FUCK is he doing?, mo guan shan thinks, panicked at the name on the screen. he wants to just let it ring, but he knows he tian will call him all night until he answers.

so, he picks up the phone.

"hey." he tian's voice is low and riddled with fatigue. mo guan shan almost faints. why does he sound like that? and why does mo guan shan like that sound so much?

"mo guan shan?" he tian says, mo guan shan might collapse from heart palpitations if he tian does not stop whatever he is doing to him.

"i'm," mo guan shan clears his throat, he sounds like a fucking frog from not talking for so long. "i'm here. why did you call me?"

"just wanted to hear your voice. and i thought you needed some closure."

"closure?"

"is that why you've been acting so weird lately? because you thought i liked him?"

he hates that to he tian he's completely transparent, he reads him so easily. like he was never closed to him before, like they've known each other since childhood. he wants to hate he tian, but he just fucking. can't.

"hmm, so that's what it is?" he tian murmurs from the other end of the line.

"no, no. that is not what's going on, i just got caught up in thought—"

"about me?"

"stop that. i was talking."

"i did, at one point. and then i just saw that i could never be there like zhan zheng xi is for him. i let him go."

"and you replaced him with me?" the words practically fall out of mo guan shan's mouth, he can't believe he just said that. he's happy he did but maybe he shouldn't have. he has to get off the phone with he tian, immediately. this time of night is too vulnerable for him, he's scared of releasing all the feelings bottled up inside for he tian. he's worked too hard to build these walls up, he can't afford to have them knocked down.

"is that how you feel?"

"i—i'll see you tomorrow, he tian."

"you're shutting me out." his words are heavy and so true and he hates how he tian can just tell from words transferred through the air. he doesn't even need to see his face.

"i need to sleep before school starts—""

"you haven't fallen asleep yet either?"

he knows too much, he might throw up right here, in this very moment.

"i have to go."

"mo guan shan."

"good night, he tian." mo guan shan scrambles to end the call, palms sweaty and trembling in the silence of the night. how did he let himself get like this, let alone, let he tian get this far into his personal life?

but he didn't let him, he barged his way in with stupid face, and weirdly kind, mischievous smile and understanding qualities. he was a damn brute who had barged his way into mo guan shan's life...and yet, it only seemed to make mo guan shan want to be with him even more. he wanted a future with he tian that involved them being together all the time, that warm, homey atmosphere. the same one his mom used to create for his dad when he was still living with them.

he wanted all that and more.

xXx

the next morning, mo guan shan waits for he tian to appear. his heart is racing with the thoughts of what happened last night. he's drunk with love or something, high on an adrenaline rush. he waits all day, stays put where he tian can easily find him the entire day. mo guan shan waits for him to show up all day.

by the time the last bell of the day rings, mo guan shan gives up and the ecstatic pounding that filled his heart this morning has slowed to a dirge. he feels like an idiot, believing that something would and could happen with them. he feels so many versions of rage at once that he almost cries when he feels an arm wrap around his shoulder.

"you haven't responded to any of my texts, little mo."

he then slowly comes to the realization that he never picked up his phone from his nightstand. he was so caught up in his own thoughts that he hadn't even registered in his mind that he didn't have his phone. but he hadn't thought about it until recently.

(to be fair, he was pretty distracted)

"hey, can we talk? privately?" mo guan shan asks him, timidly running his hands over the straps of his backpack. he tian grunts in response, leading him gently by the elbow.

xXx

they stand on opposite ends of elevator on the ride up to he tian's apartment. 3 people enter, and stand directly between them. mo guan shan steals glances at he tian from the other side. he wants to reach out every time someone leaves, but holds himself back every time.

they enter the apartment and mo guan shan stands awkwardly at the threshold after he tian opens the door. he could turn around and swallow down all the emotions he wants to throw at him. but he tian looks back at him as if knowing what he was thinking, and offers him a hand.

(he might burst)

he tian has a couch now, it's top of the line leather. it looks custom made. mo guan shan feels unworthy to even be sitting on it. his backpack leans against the bottom of the couch. his heart is pounding in his ears, what's he supposed to do now? why did he suggest this? he's probably the biggest idiot on the damn planet.

"so, you wanted to talk?" he tian slides in next to him, focusing his piercing hazel eyes on guan shan.

(is it getting hotter?)

"uh...yeah. i did—do. i do."

"is it about last night?" mo guan shan sits with his hips forward and his hands gripping painfully at the knees of his pants. he feels lightheaded and drunk.

"yes and no. it includes that, but it's not only that."

"so...?"

"i—i'm not sure...if i understand you, he tian." mo guan shan begins, his forehead crinkling in thought.

"you make it seem like you...like me and then you, leave me hanging? i feel like a spool of thread, you can only use me so much before i run out."

"what do you want from me, exactly?"

"i..." he grips his pants again, trying to find the right words to such a blunt question. he isn't sure of whether he wants to be completely honest or vague. he's scared of what his answer could hold.

"you?"

"i'm not exactly the most attractive person ever. i get triggers from entering large restaurants. i'm so predictable. i hate when my food is mixed before i mix it myself. i hate the color purple i get super jealous over small things. i've wanted a dog since i was eight but i don't think animals like me so i never asked my mom—""

"mo guan shan—""

"sometimes, i get so caught up in being something i'm supposed to be that i forget who i actually am. i am afraid of heights. i hate ferris wheels and amusement park food tastes like cardboard to me. i haven't ever been on a date. and for the longest i pretended to like girls so that people wouldn't hate me."

"mo, wait—""

"let me just—"" he takes a deep breath and stares he tian right in his eyes. "he tian, i like you. a lot, and i have never experienced this for anyone else before. i'm scared of being vulnerable and you make it easy to just feel relaxed. half the stuff i just said, i have never even mentioned to my mom. and that is why i—i don't want to hide that from you anymore. i wanna be with you. all the time."

the silence in the room is heavy as mo guan shan's hands tremble with worry. he doesn't know what this could mean. hesitation is the last thing he needs after pouring his heart out to him.

"i haven't slept properly in 4 weeks because of you, did you know that?" he tian breathes out, straightening himself on the couch. he moves closer to mo guan shan and takes mo guan shan's hand into his.

"he tian."

"hmm?"

"do you like me?" mo guan shan asks, letting his hand go limp in he tian's hold.

"i haven't made it obvious?"

"i need you to say it, i like being on the same page. and i like knowing it too."

"i do, i've liked you for a really long time."

mo guan shan looks away from he tian's penetratingly honest gaze. he isn't sure why but he feels like he just ran a marathon and won first place. his hand is still on he tian's and he feels he tian intertwine their hands for a more intimate feel. he feels his hands get sweaty and when he tries to pull away, he tian grips it tightly.

"stop running away from me." he tian says, guiding mo guan shan's face with his right hand.

mo guan shan looks at him again and proceeds to lean toward he tian. he's going to do it, he's going to do what he's been wanting to do for months. he tian hasn't moved, but he's waiting. he's waiting to see if he'll really go through with it.

he does. and it's electric when he tian kisses him back. mo guan shan has only kissed about two people his lifetime, so he expects he tian to take the lead. it feels good and mo guan shan could take kissing lessons from he tian all day of he didn't need to breathe. he might develop an addiction.

they pull away breathless and high on bliss. mo guan shan feels hazy and his lips feel raw from all the kissing.

"how was that?" he tian asks, rubbing his thumb over mo guan shan's hand.

"...can we do it again?" mo guan responds timidly, pulling his legs up onto the couch.

he tian lets go of his hand to cup his face and presses their lips together again. fireworks pop off one by one in mo guan shan's stomach and he feels so happy, laying on he tian's couch with his fingers tangled in his hair. he can't think of anywhere he'd be happier.

and that's what makes him the happiest.

**Author's Note:**

> i keep posting and editing this and it won't show the entire thing ??? im gonna kms if it doesn't work this time anyway  
> im on tumblr: @blogger-tears // @zahwrites


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